Saturday, January 4, 2014


When stress soaks the brain with adrenaline, we have been taught that people fight or flee.  Example, when being chased by a wild animal it is time to fight it or flee from it.  There is one more that isn't talked about much and that is FREEZE,  "an act of holding or being held at a fixed level or in a fixed state."

This is where I, Meisyn's mother, find myself.  I have sat down to type at this blog multiple times.  I have thoughts run through my mind of what to post.  I just can't do it.  Just can't.  I am frozen.

I know the 5 stages of grief, DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION and ACCEPTANCE.  Where is FROZEN?  Where am I?

I have heard of post holiday depression, post MAKE A WISH trip sadness, but I didn't understand that it doesn't just affect the sick.  It affects all those in their circle.

Today is Meisyn's 8th birthday.  In all likelihood this IS actually her true date of birth as of all my 7 adopted from China, she was the only one left with a birth note.  Here we are.  We had tremendous worry earlier this year that we wouldn't see this day.   We worried we wouldn't make it to Disneyworld.  Then to Christmas.  Next to her birthday.  It is as if there is nothing for me to hang on to now.  I am in a fixed state of paralysis.

Meisyn is happy.  Meisyn is cheerful.  Meisyn is also tired.  She doesn't leave her power chair at school.  She doesn't attempt the stairs.  She wearies from dragging herself even to her bedroom now.  She has pretty much stopped drawing.  She is too tired and distracted to complete a full task and sharing her heart through art seems too much.  Her short term memory is getting ever shorter.  She doesn't recall what you have just discussed with her.  She continues to slip and I am helpless to catch her.

Meisyn is going to have to help us know how to move from here.  The problem is that the cold still bothers me.  How do I LET IT GO?