But today we are back in the real world. Meisyn has more medical issues that need more figuring out. We have taken a unexpected trip to Primary Children's Medical Center to see her specialist. She had another panic attack and feels stinging at the base of her spine. Its like she is being stung by bees. She will have xrays tomorrow and hopefully they can get us in to the sedated MRI on Friday so we don't have to come back up. Its a four hour drive each way for us. Good thing we have such wonderful friends and family who take us wanderers in. They want to rule out a tethered cord. I think it is likely that her nerves which already can't listen and obey the signals of the brain, are doing their own thing and basically wigging out. Hopefully an MRI can give us some direction as Meisyn has no textbook to follow. We are making a new road as we walk it.
I do have to say that I so appreciate the spring. The flowers, the mountains blanketed in green, and the rustle of the leaves make my heart lighter. I so dreaded the winter. But spring did come. A promise of new life is here. So is Meisyn.
I am posting something I wrote when I was in much more denial. I am learning to enjoy and live each and every minute. Meisyn is teaching me this.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Falling....
Typically autumn has been my
favorite time of year. The visual change in the living preparing for winter
slumber, the crispness of the air cooling my cheeks, the coming of early dark,
all give me comfort and make me want to burrow in and create of place of
coziness.
Not this year. As each leaf changes its color, in the garden of serenity I have planted and nurtured through the late frosts of spring and the blazing desert heat, I am filled with panic. I have an overwhelming desire to collect each leaf and blossom that falls and return it to its perch. I am not ready for winter. In place of the joy and feeling of abundance I usually feel this time of year, I feel dread. I am not ready for winter. Even with the knowledge that...spring WILL come...the cycle of life will continue...joy will return. I am not ready for winter.
Why?? Why this overwhelming meloncholy? Perhaps it is a symbol of my tremendous struggle with Meisyn's condition. I am not ready for her body's winter. I am not ready for her earthly slumber, for the coldness of her cheeks, for the darkness of the huge hole that will nearly collapse my heart.
I am not ready for the princess crowns that will be exchanged for angel wings.
Its so much for me to carry.
I thought I had worked through all this conflict as I traveled the grieving
process for Ammon's path. But, I clearly see I am not ready for his quirky,
love filled soul to leave me either. I am not ready for the storms that must
preceed my rainbows. I am not ready for winter.
The other day huge
rain clouds gathered and the thunder roared and shook the house. Meisyn
shrieked out with anxiety. Ammon quickly comforted, "Otay Meisyn. Wainbow
comin'". Where is my faith that the rainbows ARE coming? All I can feel is the
foreboding of the devastating storm.
I follow another mother's blog who travels the same broken road that I am on. I will borrow from a post she shared this week. I am trying to get to this point but I am having such a struggle.
"Why would I want to allow the enemy to steal joy from today through my fears of tomorrow? God will already be there when and IF I arrive! If I carry tomorrow's burden of pain today, will it make the burden lighter tomorrow? Obviously not! But Christ will be there tomorrow to help me carry it! So, for today.... I will choose JOY instead! "
Stefani
Not this year. As each leaf changes its color, in the garden of serenity I have planted and nurtured through the late frosts of spring and the blazing desert heat, I am filled with panic. I have an overwhelming desire to collect each leaf and blossom that falls and return it to its perch. I am not ready for winter. In place of the joy and feeling of abundance I usually feel this time of year, I feel dread. I am not ready for winter. Even with the knowledge that...spring WILL come...the cycle of life will continue...joy will return. I am not ready for winter.
Why?? Why this overwhelming meloncholy? Perhaps it is a symbol of my tremendous struggle with Meisyn's condition. I am not ready for her body's winter. I am not ready for her earthly slumber, for the coldness of her cheeks, for the darkness of the huge hole that will nearly collapse my heart.
I am not ready for the princess crowns that will be exchanged for angel wings.
I follow another mother's blog who travels the same broken road that I am on. I will borrow from a post she shared this week. I am trying to get to this point but I am having such a struggle.
"Why would I want to allow the enemy to steal joy from today through my fears of tomorrow? God will already be there when and IF I arrive! If I carry tomorrow's burden of pain today, will it make the burden lighter tomorrow? Obviously not! But Christ will be there tomorrow to help me carry it! So, for today.... I will choose JOY instead! "
Stefani
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